This is really difficult for me, but it’s been a long time coming. Even posting this in the tg community, where I know I will find support, I worry about backlash, but I really need to get this off my chest. Though, I’ve confided this information to a few people to the larger tg community via personal message or email, I have kept it hidden from the community at large. So, here goes…
You know when I first got involved with TG community, I was convinced my interest in tg was just that an interest and nothing more than a fetish. Even back then I was uncomfortable actually calling it a fetish, my interest never really seemed all that fetishy to be honest, but I really had no better term for it. Certainly, there is a sexual element to my stories, but it didn’t define them.
The more and more I delve into my own past and really explore different themes with my writing, the more and more I come to the conclusion I may actually be trans.
I’d had doubts for a while, but I think they finally came to a head after one particular event. It happened when I felt a surge of jealousy when being helped by a pretty girl at a local eatery. She wasn’t attractive enough to grace the pages of a magazine or anything, but she’d had a certain sort of girl-next-door charm to which I’d always been drawn. I remained polite to her, as these strange new feelings seethed under my calm facade. Her service was exemplary and I left a perhaps too generous of a tip, largely because I felt guilt for the uncharitable thoughts I’d sent her way. As I was leaving I found myself uttering a single sentence that shook me to my core.
“You don’t know how lucky you are.”
The girl seemed confused and I didn’t really stick around to explain myself. I never returned, convinced, however irrationally, that she must have figured out what I’d meant.
I had an interest in tg in general at least since grade school, but I had neither a name for it nor a notion that there were others who might share said interest. I remember checking out this book in sixth grade from the school library and sneaking it home so that I could read it. It was the only book in the series that I ever touched and truth be told I was rather disappointed that it didn’t explore the switch more in depth. I found the notion of becoming a girl very interesting and… I was afraid that if my mother discovered I was reading it, she would use it as ammunition against me (I didn’t exactly grow up in a very happy home).
I recall dreaming that I was a girl in my early years, though most of these memories are pretty vague, I do recall having them. To this day, I only recall one of them in much detail, and even then I only remember that it involved me wearing a dress and wig to church.
The problem is, I don’t really feel the level of dysphoria I’ve heard described by most trans-folk. Sure, I’d prefer to have been born female, but I don’t I hate my male body per se, I just feel like I should be female. There seems to be a disconnect from what my body is and what it feels like it should be, but it’s not a strong overpowering feeling. It’s just there.
I’ve written a number of stories with actual trans characters, (not just characters transformed into a female, but ones who felt they should have been one to begin with) and though I haven’t admitted it until now, these trans characters have really been allegorical for my own struggle to define my gender identity.
I have been speaking to a therapist on these matters, but at the moment I don’t feel it’s really helped me define where exactly I stand as far as being trans. Truth be told, if it came down to it I’m not really sure I’d want to transition, even if I were given the choice. I live in a very conservative area and I fear the effects such a thing would have on both my career and personal life. That being said, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m not going to be a woman in the real world, I can at least present as one online.
So as of this moment, I am no longer calling myself Daniel A. Wolfe, from this moment forward, I’d prefer you call me Daniela A. Wolfe and use female pronouns. My web address, danielawolfe.com actually works pretty well with the new shift, though I do need to do a little feminine flair in light of this change. Certainly my site logo and description need a little updating, but I think I may actually throw in a splash of pink to the site design to celebrate.
I don’t know where this journey will take me, but I hope I’m on the right path.
As always have a delightfully demented night,
Daniela A. Wolfe